Thirty-five Questions for Maturing a Christian Marriage

Author: Jim Elliff
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The following questions are not intended for short answers such as a mere “yes”, but are a means to meaningful discussion between a man and a woman who have vowed to love each other “until death do us part.” Take your time to talk them over. Let the conversation flow. You may answer these questions in any order you wish, or all at one time.

Two rules apply: First, be painfully honest. Nothing much has happened to improve marriages without truthfulness. Second, be calm, peaceful, accepting, and eager to listen with your ears and your eyes as the discussion goes on. Do all you can not to be hurtful or to pay back for some pain you’ve experienced. Listen rather than press your point. Marriage union means, among other things, that the way you treat each other is the way you treat yourself. Seek to heal wounds and to find out more about the spouse you love.

  1. What was the happiest period of our marriage and what were the reasons you think so?
  2. In your perception, are there any rooms of my life that you believe are off limits to you?
  3. Can you name the one or two aspects of my life that make warmth in our relationship more difficult?
  4. What do you see in the character of Christ that you most wish were in you as well?
  5. Can you honestly say, “I love you as you are, without requiring anything to change?” Do you ever waver on that?
  6. How would you describe the word, “love?”
  7. Would you say that we love each other more now than earlier in our marriage?
  8. Do you see me growing more godly as the years go on? How are you measuring that?
  9. Does it bother you that I’m growing older? If so, in what ways?
  10. Has God put his finger on some aspect of our marriage that needs attention? What is it and what do you believe he wants from us?
  11. What worries you most about life?
  12. Is there something in your life you have never had the courage to tell me? Why? What is it?
  13. Do we work together spiritually to your satisfaction? What could improve that?
  14. Do you feel that there is something unfulfilled in our life—something God wants us to do? what is it?
  15. How happy are you with our praying as a couple? Is there something to be done to make things better?
  16. Have I helped you become more mature spiritually? In what ways?
  17. Do you ever question if you are a believer at all? What causes you the most doubt? What can we do about that?
  18. Do I sometimes embarrass you? If so, how?
  19. Do you sometimes think that I don’t respect you? In helpful and careful terms explain why you perceive that.
  20. If I were to be disabled mentally or physically in a severe way, do you think you can handle that? What would be the most difficult aspects?
  21. Do you try to fix me? How? Does it work?
  22. What is the biggest mistake you have made in our marriage? Why?
  23. Are you suffering internally in any way? What is it?
  24. Do you think our children and friends see our marriage as beautiful? Why or why not?
  25. In what ways does our marriage reflect the relationship of Christ to his future bride, the church?
  26. Are you hopeful about the future?
  27. Do we focus too much attention or not enough attention on our children?
  28. Is there anything about our physical love-making that you wish could be improved?
  29. Do you like the way I respond to your family? What could I do to improve?
  30. Do you feel that I respect you? How could I show that better?
  31. Are you happy with the way we are involved in our life with other believers?
  32. Do you have any ideas concerning our finances that need to be examined?
  33. Do you think I spend too much time or not enough time with my friends?
  34. What would be one change in my life that you most believe would be for my own good?
  35. What do you most wish we could do in the future to make an impact on our world for Christ?

Copyright © 2012 Jim Elliff.
Permission granted for reproduction in exact form. All other uses require written permission.
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